As I read through my wife’s posts these past few weeks (The Great Lemonade Maker, The Time of Singing Has Come) I revisited a lot of what we went through to have a family. I asked if I could share on her blog about the husband’s perspective.
I remember a conversation I had with a co-worker during that time. He had a son with a severe condition and they had been through so much. He walked into the office one day and he simply asked “How are YOU doing with everything?” I started to tell him about what my wife was going through. He stopped me and said again “but how are YOU?”
He explained to me that often in the middle of something like this all of the attention is rightfully on the woman, but he was well aware how much of the burden I was carrying as the husband and father. Because of his experience he knew what an emotional weight I felt and how oftentimes no one really thought to ask the husband if he was OK.
I really appreciated his understanding and concern and I reflect on it when I hear of other couples struggling with issues similar to ours. I always offer to talk with the man if he’s interested. I know no one else is usually asking about him. Obviously in no way am I equating what the man and woman are going through but I know how important it is to acknowledge the man’s perspective and how much he may be limited to really express it for concern for not appearing to be strong.
I will never forget the day my twins were born. It was a Friday morning and my wife had been admitted to the hospital on the Monday of that week with pre-eclampsia. They were monitoring her daily to make sure her blood pressure didn’t get too high and we were just hoping every day that she could hold off delivering because our boys were still two months premature.
I got a phone call from my wife early that morning. She was really uncomfortable and she’d had a rough night. I got to the hospital as quickly as I could. I was with her when the doctor came in and told her that her numbers were off the charts and that she would be delivering the babies soon. Within an hour we were in the OR. I sat by her head as the doctor very quickly delivered our boys C-section. They were tiny at 3 and 4 pounds, but they were healthy.
It seemed like we were finally on the other side of all that we had gone through for nearly four years. Our children that God had promised to us were finally in the world. We were elated.
As I sat with my wife outside the OR in a little recovery space, the nurses started to become concerned that she was not recovering properly. They called the doctor back to the hospital. When she arrived she was concerned but she was very calm and clearly in charge. She talked with us and explained what was happening. She told us we had three potential ways to proceed.
We acknowledged that we understood and they gave my wife general anesthesia putting her fully out. They took her back into the OR and I waited in the hall. Within a few minutes the doctor came back out and told me the first procedure had failed and that we no longer had time to do the second. Erin was losing blood too quickly. The doctor needed to do a hysterectomy, it was now the only option. I can remember so clearly to this day telling the doctor to do whatever she had to do to save my wife’s life. I had two premature babies down the hall in the NICU who needed a mother. I needed my wife.
She quickly turned and went back into the OR. I sat outside on a doctor’s stool and pleaded with God. I couldn’t believe He’d brought us this far and had delivered His promise to us of bringing us “from barrenness to birthing,” only to take my wife’s life. That was not the plan.
After years of struggling to have a family, of watching my wife go through tests and procedures and loss, in this moment I was all alone with God. There was no one there I had to be strong for. There was not a single person around. It was me and God and raw emotion. I got real with Him. I was angry, I was scared, I was hurting. I knew I could trust God with all of that. I didn’t have to check my emotions or put on a strong face. He already knew, but He could handle hearing it again from me.
It’s important for us guys to remember that. We feel like we need to provide and protect and hold up our wives in all the heartache. And we do. But that doesn’t mean we don’t feel and we can’t be real before God. He will be the strong one there for us. He will carry our burdens.
Derek Kvistad
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